Non-judgmental, Non-directive Dialogue

"The goal of life is to take everything that made you weird as a kid and get people to pay you money for it when you're older."- David Freeman

This quote reminds me of some of the reasons why I love Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy (PRYT). In PRYT sessions we use non-directive, and non-judgmental dialogue. This has always come really easily to me. It is something that I tend to do naturally in life. And, for most of my life, I've felt that it made me socially awkward. I feel like, often, people say things expecting a response and I just sit there.

Do you notice how often people feel the need to "comfort" others by saying things like "it will get better", "I know this is hard for you", or "don't feel bad"? Well, I've rarely said those thing to anyone other than a very close friend who I really believed that I knew very well. I hardly even ever say, "I'm sorry for your loss" after someone loses a loved one. I figure, who am I to judge what they are, or should be feeling?

Maybe I'm odd, but I feel robbed of my right to have emotions when someone makes comments like this to me. Often it makes whatever emotion I was feeling turn to anger - "Do you? Do you know this is hard for me? How could you possibly know that when you barely know me?"

To me, it feels much more supportive when someone really listens to what I'm saying rather than trying to think of what they are going to say next, or to spit out some canned response that they "are supposed to say". It feels supportive to have someone say, I hear that you are upset, and I'm still here supporting you....I see that you are angry, or depressed, or fearful, and I'm not going to tell you to "look at the bright side", to "focus on the positive", or to "let it go".

In essence, this is what I do in PRYT sessions. Clients share and process their thoughts and emotions, while I genuinely listen and offer them support. I do not judge what they are saying or feeling. I do not tell them how to "fix" their problems. I do not suggest that they should look at things differently, or be different.

So, how does this work in sessions? The process is actually very simple, and from a practitioner standpoint, involves two main phrases: "what's happening now?" and "tell me more." Here is an example...
Me: What's happening now?
Client: I feel (insert emotion, such as frustrated, pissed, scared...)
Me: Tell me more about feeling (above emotion)
Client: I feel (emotion) when ABC happens, because XYZ...

The client gets to really process their thoughts and feelings from beginning to end, rather than having them swept under the carpet or pushed aside. It is really simple, and yet profoundly healing. But, let's face it - it does not come naturally for most people to set aside any desire to "comfort" the person they are talking to...which brings me back to the quote with which I started.

Thanks for reading!